Hard life lessons to learn and what I am trying to work on.

I realize that I have been taking on such a winey tone in my blog posts now but I seem to struggle with myself at times and the fact that I honestly have made in my life some massive mistakes that have had consequences and I live in a town that isn’t forgiving when it comes to making mistakes and I see that I am only now accepting that I haven’t been completely attached to reality and that we all make mistakes some are bigger than others.

However, I realized why I was winging I didn’t have things that would get me out of the house more than a couple of days a week and this made me very self-centred I am now working towards not being so self-centred and working on my goals a lot more and working towards having the life I want as I see that I need to step out of my comfort zone to be able to work towards the things I want and one is simply to make my own money and to not to be dependent on Disability support payments and I see that this is a massive issue the boredom that comes with not being able to work.

I live with an unhealthy amount of guilt about not being a productive member of society but I think I need to remember that we all have different ways of giving back to society and that society doesn’t exist in a vacuum and this is where I need to remember that I am a child of the digital age and I need to wait for the blog to pick up steam and to be able to see it as the long term project and to work within my limits and realize that I have something to contribute and that is something I need to be aware of and that is educating people on disability and chronic health issues and living as an adult with a disability as I see that this is something that I am not alone in that we are social creatures and I saw on a Reddit thread that others felt like an eternal teen and I feel like this as I am not hitting the markers of adulthood.

However, I know that many people with disabilities feel this way and have poor mental health outcomes because of it as keeping busy is great for our mental and physical health and we saw that during lockdowns because of covid and I am trying to figure out what is my next move due to my health issues and disabilities becoming worse and it’s because of my mental health and we see that this is a massive issue in people with disabilities as we become reliant on others for care and sometimes even getting out of the house and I have the little extras such as Netflix and the internet but I still find at times that I need that connection to be around people.

These my mind are that I have a job, a house, a family, or at least my own house and a family. I feel that I am still stuck in a place of loss for the bad decisions that I have made and I still seem to make bad decisions at times I am finding that I need help with my big decision-making and being responsible for my actions and we need to be very aware of this as well as I find that I have all the creature comforts in the world but I find that I am lacking challenges of work and being around people.

That can stretch and grow me as a person but I now see that sometimes self-growth isn’t all great development sometimes it’s simply sitting with the pain of your decisions and making the decision to do better next time and trying to work on being the better person and to accept your limits and to not make your conditions worse by not accepting help when you do need it and I asked a person over for coffee and cake and this motivated me to clean up and to get dressed and to show up.

I also feel that I need to accept that I am who I am and that who I am is not going to be everyone’s taste we see that this could be a thing that people need to be aware of that person with ADHD do become chronic people pleasers to be able to fit in and I have never been able to handle conflict well and I see that chronic pain does make me grumpy and I retreat into myself as well and I am pushing myself to not retreat into myself.

I am also accepting that building the blog up to a successful business and this will take time and sacrifice I am hoping that I have the right people around me to do just this and help me be the best person I can be.